Quitting Isn’t Losing
*(Warning: I do talk about the domestic violence I experienced in my first marriage so if that is something that brings up painful memories for you, please don’t continue and I send my love).
There has been a lot made about Simone Biles and her pulling out of the 2021 Summer Games because of mental health issues and stress. After her vault attempt, which she did not come close to completing (it was supposed to be 2.5 rotations and it was only 1.5) she stated that her mind was just not in the competition and her team would be better without her. Truth be told, there is a lot to the story, she says she feels the weight of the world on her right now from a competition standpoint and she just went through a horrendous situation helping bring former US Gymnastics trainer Larry Nassar to justice for the sexual assault of 150+ girls, one of which being herself. That is a ton do deal with.
Now that we have the details addressed, let’s break down what we are hearing a lot from a number of people about how she “quit on her team and the country.” Quitting isn’t always a bad thing, and it isn’t always losing. We live in a culture where we equate quitting with weakness. How many times in life do we hear you can’t quit and that you need to follow through with something? I remember my parents harping on me to follow through with everything I did, even if I hated it. I always heard that of all things in life, you never wanted to be called a “QUITTER.” Now, I recognize that it is very important to learn to stick with commitments, but is it also not important to learn when to walk away from something for your own health?
I remember when I was in senior high school, my brother Patrick as a sophomore was close to making varsity. He was immensely gifted and loved playing and I was elated at the idea of playing with him because in the Summers we were an unstoppable pair. It was clear soon after the season started, he would be getting moved up to varsity at some point. About halfway through the season, he became withdrawn, sad and not enjoying basketball. We had an assistant coach who looking back didn’t like my brother for reasons that had nothing to do with him and would bully him, often openly mocking him during games from the bench. It was bad, but growing up, I always felt like coaches were never to be confronted. It all became too much for my brother and instead of telling anyone, he just got depressed and bad in both school and basketball.
I remember the day that he told me that he was going to quit. I was shocked. I couldn’t understand why, and I never even thought quitting was an option. Who cares that you weren’t having fun, you joined a team, it’s about the commitment and the follow through, not the fun. My dad was equally shocked, and I remember him telling my brother you don’t want to be a “quitter.” The infamous “quitter” insult. To me growing up as an athlete, that was the worst thing that you could be.
It took some convincing from my mom, who got it, but eventually everyone was OK with Patrick quitting the basketball team. At the time I didn’t get it, now I do. Sometimes, quitting isn’t losing. Quitting something can be the healthiest thing that you can do for your life and your happiness at times. I think that we all need to find that balance and be OK with learning to allow ourselves to quit something when we need to. Everyone on this planet has stuck with something detrimental to their life for too long because they just couldn’t allow themselves to quit. Where is that line? How do you know when something has crossed from dealing with adversity in life and moved into toxicity?
Think about something in your life that you wouldn’t let yourself quit and you should have because it was unhealthy to continue to stick it out. For me, it was my first marriage. I was married to a woman who was emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive to me. She would call me “fat,” “useless,” “loser.” She would attack me in my sleep when she was angry and then tell me to “call the police and see who they would believe” when the arrived. I spent numerous mornings in the shower before work crying and asking myself how I was going to leave but terrified to do so. I also felt like walking away was quitting on a commitment. The was a process that was hard, but I learned to allow myself to quit and not just feel ok with it but happy with my decision and truly appreciate how important it was for my happiness. For people who have been victims of domestic violence, you know that making that choice to stand up for yourself is a difficult process.
Now, I am not saying being afraid to quit a basketball team and an abusive marriage are an apples-to-apples comparison, they are not. What I am saying though is that fear of being called a “quitter” is something that starts early in life and the important lesson to teach is to give things your all but to know when it’s bad for your health and know when to walk away. Not an easy thing to do and something that nobody can ever master. In a sense, not knowing when to quit something is quitting on yourself.
For my brother, the breaking point was when he was so depressed and withdrawn, he not only gave up on enjoying basketball, but also gave up on other parts of his life, like school. For Simone Biles, it was her safety both physically and mentally from the stresses she has endured in the past. They did not quit on their teams. They stood up for themselves and is not just an important distinction, but also something that we all need to remind ourselves and others of. It’s not selfish or weak to put your own health and happiness first.
And… For those of you who think that I am a millennial defending “quitters,” you can’t just rub dirt on your mental health.
